After 30 years, I Ended It
I recently just ended a relationship with a longtime friend of over 30 years. He and I had been in each other's lives, but never really took the time until recently to unpack one another in a way that would be worthy of the title friend. It wasn’t until we decided to delve into a romantic relationship that I realized that our relationship as friends was superficial. Ouch! We initially met when I was at the tender age of 2 and according to my mom it was an instant connection. He even drove me home in his battery-powered whip, reserved for the coolest of kids in the neighborhood, as our moms watchfully walked behind and chatted, tickled at the strong bond they had just witnessed their toddlers make. We went through puberty together; I was his prom date his junior year, and as adults, we both navigated the grief of divorce and became single parents.
I was so sure this man knew all my ins and outs; spending hours on the phone listening to my preferences in men while another one “bit the dust” in my dating escapades. Before the romance, we were friends, so I didn’t hold back when discussing my relationship woes that were always met by reassurance and encouragement. He was always so supportive of me, and I always felt like he wanted the best for me, so at the top of the year, I didn’t hesitate to delve into exploring more with him, given the assumption that his personal knowledge of me would be an asset to our relationship. I was open, he was my friend, and I have the philosophical conviction that the best relationships are built on friendship. So why not? We’re friends. We shared the same common mission in life which was to buy land and build a sustainable homestead, but as time went on, I wasn’t sure that we both “submitted to the mission” as our sister in Baduism so eloquently laid out for us in a Breakfast Club interview last year.
Of all his flaws, there was one deal breaker I couldn't get with for the life of me. He couldn’t take feedback. Throughout the course of our short relationship, there were a few times when I didn’t agree with something he did and his attitude towards me expressing and reiterating my needs was often met with denial, agitation, and subtle aggression that so strongly alerted my spirit that our final disagreement ended in me leaving his home abruptly and subsequently ending the relationship. Each time I observed his behavior towards me during times of disagreement, my intuitive nudges would get stronger. I often wondered “who is this person and where is my friend of over 30 years?” He was nowhere to be found and it was evident that much work needed to be done in order to actively be a partner in tough moments. The idea that a relationship was good as long as there were no disagreements wasn't rational or sustainable to me. I’m a realist, and what was and still is real to me is that I deserve more. I desire a partner who can not only take feedback but actively work with me as an adult to find a solution, someone who sees my needs as valid and actively wants to fulfill them for the good of the collective mission and relationship.
As I look back over this experience, I’m grateful, but I also can’t help but to reflect on the places where I missed the signs. While I am happy that I was brave enough to explore this experience with him, I feel like I could have gone my whole life without having this experience. There were parts that were helpful, there were parts that were hurtful, and there were parts where I didn’t feel the safest, but I traveled to the end of that horizon knowing more about myself and what I needed within a relationship so I’ll consider that a win.
I want to share 3 key takeaways from my experience in making my longest friend my man, my man, my man:
Time does not dictate how well someone knows you or themselves. Just because someone has been in your life for a long time, it doesn’t mean that they’re actively working to understand you better or understand themselves better.
Vulnerability should be met with vulnerability. We all deserve someone who can hear us clearly and respond accordingly. If you can’t be vulnerable with your mate about your feelings, who can you be vulnerable with?
Emotional maturity has to be honed daily. I don’t think that my ex is a bad person. I think that there are some glaring things that he needs to work on to improve his quality of life and relationships. If someone doesn’t have the emotional maturity to handle your truth, then more than likely, they won’t be able to appreciate your evolution.
Overall, I’ve learned that freedom sometimes comes with goodbyes. There are people in your life that are meant to be for a lifetime and some are seasonal. I find as I open up more to becoming a new version of myself, there were people on my journey who no longer served my highest good, but it took me making better decisions and abandoning my past toxic behavior to see that. I wish the best for my ex, but I will not stay in a space at the detriment of my overall well-being. I pray it’s not an option for you either.
Xoxo,
Chaila.